


Of Sunsets and Sunrise

by JAJAngmyeon



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bucket List, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Heavy Angst, M/M, Romance, Soonhoon - Freeform, cancer patient!jihoon, hospital romance, survivor!soonyoung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-01-16 10:53:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18519988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAJAngmyeon/pseuds/JAJAngmyeon
Summary: Jihoon is a stage 3 Lymphoma cancer patient and is losing hope and his will to live when he met Soonyoung, a bubbly cancer survivor.





	1. sunset meets sunrise

**Author's Note:**

> another twitter au that i have to post here because i wrote it with too much typos~ please see the tags and warnings before proceeding. thank youuu~

Jihoon is standing on the edge of the rooftop, his face feeling the cold breeze from the top of the hospital. The hospital he’s grown to hate. The hospital he never wants to see ever again.

The hospital who shattered all his dreams several months ago.

 

  
[Four months ago...]

“Mrs.Lee, your son has cancer. It’s Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Stage 3.” The doctor looks at them intently.

Jihoon’s mother held his hand tightly. She leaned on her son’s shoulder with tears streaming from her face.

His son’s face remained expressionless.

“You don’t have to worry. The prognosis for his case is quite high. He can undergo chemotherapy and radiation therapy. He’ll be fine, Mrs.Lee.” The doctor put his hand on Jihoon’s other shoulder and smiled weakly at him

That, however, didn’t calm Jihoon’s heart.

  
Not even the slightest.

  
Jihoon fought back the urge to scream and punch the walls. He wanted to shout at the doctor’s face and tell him to take back his diagnosis. But no words seem to come out from his lips. He just remained silent and frozen. His mom, still shaking on his shoulders.

It’s cancer.

It’s fucking cancer.

“Please, calm down. Don’t be scared. We have several treatments for cancer nowadays and the survival rates are high.” The doctor assured them.

The boy just clenched his fists. How can this doctor just expect them to calm down after breaking such horrible news to them?

 

Jihoon has to quit schooling. He’s three semesters away from graduating college when he felt those sharp pains in his stomach. A lump also appeared on his neck.

He started getting chills every night. And he’s losing weight all of a sudden.

He can endure all the pain but what’s really painful for him is when his voice started getting hoarse.

Jihoon is a music major. He is that promising student famous for his compositions and his vocal skills.

His voice is everything to him.

So when he felt that sharp pain in his throat because of too much coughing, he just felt like his world came crushing down.

He has cancer. Add the fact that it’s stage 3. He might not be able to use his voice again and he has to quit school for the treatments.

Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse than that, his hands suddenly felt numb with all the medicine that enters his system during his chemotherapy sessions.

“Dr. Choi, I can’t move my hand properly.” He told his oncologist after his eighth chemo session.

“Jihoon, your veins reacted to the meds that flowed through your body. Please refrain from using your musical instruments for the mean time to avoid stressing your veins more.” The doctor advised him.

That’s it. That’s Jihoon’s breaking point.

He can’t use his voice. Now he can’t use his hand to play instruments.

Life is so unfair. The heavens is so unfair. Why him? He repeatedly asked himself. He is nothing but a good son to his mother.

He could never understand.

  
Why did this fucking cancer chose him?

Lee Jihoon has had enough. He can’t take it anymore. He just wants everything to...stop.

He wants to end...things.

  
And so, he told his mom he’s gonna get some fresh air and sneaked into this rooftop. He finished writing his mom a letter of apology.

Now, he’s standing on the edge of this shitty hospital. He looked down and gulped when he saw how high the building is.

“No, Jihoon. You have to do this. You don’t have to suffer anymore. Your mom won’t have to suffer anymore.” He exhaled. He closed his eyes.

  
Life has been nothing but shit to him. He has to end this now.

He breathed heavily as he prepared himself to do what he knows would end all of his suffering when he heard someone scream and he felt some strong limbs stopping him.

Someone pulled him away from the rooftop edge. Whoever it is, they both landed to the cold, cement floor.

“What do you think you’re doing?” The unfamiliar voice told him, his tone alarmed and scared.

Jihoon tried squirming back to the edge but he felt the unknown man’s arms around his waist this time.

“Who the fuck are you?” Hefinally spoke.

“Please...please, don’t do this.” The guy pleaded. Jihoon still tried removing the guy’s limbs around his waist.

“Shut up! You don’t know me and you don’t know how I feel.” Jihoon shouted.

The guy didn’t answer. He knew it. People like him, just like his doctor...it’s easy for them to say things when they don’t even feel the way they do.

“You don’t have a fucking cancer. So shut up, let me go, let me end this suffering.”

He expected the guy to let him go but the limbs on his waist only got tighter.

His reply is something Jihoon didn’t expect.

“But I have it too,” the guy answered softly.

The other stop trying to move out of the guy’s hold. “W-What?”

The guy cleared his throat. “No, let me correct that. I had it too. I’m a survivor now, you know. So, don’t do this please. There’s still hope.”

  
Hope.

  
Jihoon almost didn’t want to believe in that single word. But the way this stranger said it, it makes him want to believe there’s really hope.

The man loosened his arms around his waist and went in front of him.

“Don’t do this, please. This is not the answer.”

 

 

                   💉💊

 

 

  
Jihoon didn’t know how the idea of him ending his life that day is completely forgotten.

One thing’s for sure: he’s bewitched...by this man.

Well, his name is Kwon Soonyoung. They’re same age line. But the otheris just older by months. He’s a Gemini. He also has a pet cat named Chiro.

He didn’t even know why he knew that. Soonyoung is a very talkative guy.

Apparently, this guy is diagnosed two years ago with the same type of cancer as him. He also suffered like him. And he’s a dance major.

“How come I didn’t see you in our university?” Jihoon asked.

“Hoonie~ it’s a quite big university. We’re different majors.” Jihoon blushed with the nickname this man called him.

They just knew each other for like two hours. He can’t believe he became comfortable with this guy that fast. He’s really bewitched.

Jihoon didn’t fail to notice the scars on Soonyoung’s hands. It looks fresh. But, he’s too distracted with the guy’s stories that he just ignored it.

“But I only saw you here today.” Jihoon asked instead.

Soonyoung averted his gaze. He looked at his strawberry milk instead.

“I just came today for monitoring,” he answered simply.

When both of them finished their strawberry milk, Soonyoung offered to take Jihoon back to his hospital room.

“I wouldn’t do anything reckless. Don’t worry about me.” Jihoon assured him.

“Sorry but I’m Kwon Soonyoung and I don’t take no as an answer.” Jihoon sighed and agreed.

Whenthey reached his room, he saw his mom, eyes full of worry. “Lee Jihoon! Where have you been?”

“I...just went for a walk.” Jihoon answered when she hugged him.

He eyed Soonyoung warily. The other just smiled, fully understanding what he’s trying to say.

When his mom pulled away, he finally noticed the guy beside Jihoon. “Who is this good-looking guy?”

“Hello, Mrs.Lee. I’m Kwon Soonyoung, Jihoon’s friend.” He introduced himself.

It’s still early for Jihoon to call Soonyoung his friend but he didn’t say a thing when he saw how his mom’s eyes lit up upon hearing the words ‘Jihoon’s friend’.

His mom invited Soonyoung for lunch but the guy told them he should be back to his own room.

“We’ll be seeing more of each other, Hoonie~” Soonyoung told Jihoon before walking away from them.

‘Seeing more of each other.’

Jihoon smiled to himself. Suddenly, there’s something new to look forward to this shitty hospital.


	2. the list

 

True to his words, Soonyoung visited Jihoon every time the other comes to the hospital for his chemo sessions. They just hang out together, drinking their favorite strawberry milk (the only drink decent to both of their likings in this hospital).

It’s mostly Soonyoung doing the talking but it’s not like they both mind. He is very patient with Jihoon. He asks questions occasionally but will not press any longer if he finds the other uncomfortable with the topic.

“What Harry Potter house do you think you belong, Hoonie?” Soonyoung asked Jihoon who’s currently sitting on his bed, chemo meds flowing through his arms.

Jihoon tries hard to hide the blush forming on his cheeks every time the other calls him ‘Hoonie’.

“Me? I think I should be in Gryffindor.” He answered, coolly.

The other snickered at his answer. “Excuse me? You? At Gryffindor? Yourwhole being screams Slytherin tho.” Soonyoung countered.

Jihoon rolled his eyes. “Says someone who acts cutely but dances that floor humping choreo like a pro.”

It’s a song called “Who”. Soonyoung excitedly showed Jihoon that video of him dancing to it on one of their hangouts. The latter gulped nervously, his hands clammy all throughout the video.

He’s still a ‘healthy’ (not so healthy) guy with raging hormones after all.

Jihoon prayed hard that the other guy didn’t notice his reaction to that video of him.

“Then...let’s just be together at Slytherin.” Soonyoung told him, cheekily.

The room is silent again. Jihoon’s chemo sesh lasts up to 5 hrs. It’s done every two weeks. He’s now on his 12th session. It has been four weeks since he met Soonyoung.

“How can you do that?” He suddenly broke the silence.

The other just hummed in response. “What?”

“Being this bubbly. You are so cheerful for someone who has had cancer. I mean, you don’t look like someone who even had cancer.” Jihoon asked the other. He’s actually envious of him.

Soonyoung looks so happy, not even caring about the fact that his cancer might recur or something.

The other smiled brightly at him. But there’s something about his eyes that made Jihoon worry. He doesn’t know what it is but he’s sure of one thing. Those cheery smiles Soonyoung is giving him, it’s not reaching his eyes.

And he just wonders why.

“Jihoon, we only have one life. Do you expect me to just sulk in my room or be so damn bitter that I have this sickness when I can just enjoy how beautiful the world is. How blessed I am that I’m still alive.” He answered. He ruffled Jihoon’s hair that made the other groan.

“You should do the same, Hoonie~” He encouraged. “No, you must. I will help you.” Soonyoung reached for his hand, his eyes twinkling.

There’s something in those eyes that made Jihoon nod. He’s bewitched...again.

  
               💉💛💊

  
“Jihoon~ why are you in such a hurry to go to the hospital? Your chemo session starts at 9. It’s only 8.” Jihoon’s mom asked his son who’s impatiently tapping his foot on the wooden floor of their house.

Jihoon will never admit it’s because of a certain guy named Kwon Soonyoung. No, he’ll definitely not tell anyone that. Jihoon’s chemo session is delayed because his white blood cell count is low.

After a chemo session, patients tend to weaken for a few days. With such low white blood cell count, his immune system might not be able to handle it.

No chemo sesh means no Kwon Soonyoung, too. So, in total, it’s been three weeks since he last saw the other.

Jihoon might not admit it to anyone but he misses Soonyoung. He’s also excited about what they talked about the last time they met.

So, when they finally met at the hospital, Jihoon’s eyes sparkled upon seeing the guy he’s been wanting to see. Soonyoung took a notebook from his backpack.

“Whatare we going to do now? Are we studying calculus?” Jihoon joked.

Soonyoung just laughed.

  
“Jihoon, today...we’re writing a bucket list.”

  
The other doesn’t know why but he swore he saw that look on Soonyoung’s eyes again. Is that pity?

That look he’s been trying so hard to hide when he replied, “Soonyoung, I’m not dying.”

“Hoonie, bucket lists aren’t written by dying persons only.” Soonyoung whined. “Let’s make it together. Then, let’s try doing it all in three months.”

He just looked at the other with an unbelieving look on his eyes. “Three months? Why are you in such a rush?”

Soonyoung just let out a small smile. “Is it bad if I say I just want us to have more bonding time together?”

The other cleared his throat, not expecting that answer. His cheeks are red. “Okay, okay. Let’s write our bucket list.”

Jihoon actually thought about what he said earlier. About him not dying. He’s actually not sure about it.

The doctor told him his test results are good. And his voice and hands are starting to feel better now.

But there’s a tiny voice inside his head that’s still afraid.

He completely regrets his rash decision of ending his life weeks ago.

Whenever he looks at his mom, or this person in front of him busy writing a bucket list, he just...wants to live.

He wants to survive, too.

He wants to be with Soonyoung for a long time.

 

_****_

 

“Our list is completed. Three months?” Soonyoung grinned at Jihoon beside him. He took Jihoon’s dextrose-free hand and made a pinkie promise.

“Three months.” Jihoon answered back. “I still can’t believe you suggested the second one.”

Soonyoung chuckled. “Don’t you dare insult that dream of mine, Hoonie. You are brave saying that when you suggested going to club but not getting drunk. What kind of nonsense is that?”

“Dr.Choi will kill me if I drink, you should know that. I bet you already experienced getting drunk because you’re already free from this bitch called cancer.”

Soonyoung just shrugged. “Perks.”

“That’s unfair.”

“By the way, who’s your bias in EXO? I can’t believe you’re into idol groups, too.” Soonyoung diverted the topic.

“It’s Chanyeol hyung.” Jihoon answered. “How about you?”

“It’s Kai hyung.”

“Valid.” Jihoon smiled. “So when will we start this?”

Soonyoung put his hands on his chin and pretended to think. “Next week?”

“Next week it is.” Jihoon agreed.

The first eleven on the lists are easy. He fixed his eyes on the last one on their bucket list. He pursed his lips.

‘Fall in love.’

‘Will we be able to do it?’

Little did he know, he’s already falling for this guy in front of him.


	3. d-90

**#1) Be blond for a day.**

Jihoon looked around his room for the nth time that day. He cleaned every corner of it because Soonyoung is coming to his house. They will be dyeing each other’s hair with that “organic” hair dye Soonyoung bought just for them.

“Don’t worry, Hoonie~ That looks more like a bedroom now than yesterday. I’m sure Soonyoung won’t mind,” his mom shouted from their kitchen.

“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not doing it for Soonyoung?” He shouted back. His mom just laughed at his son’s denial.

“Whatever you say, Hoonie~”

He was about to answer back when they heard the doorbell ring. Jihoon looked at himself on the mirror then quickly ran to open their door. It’s Soonyoung, wearing that cheeky smile holding a paper bag.

“Hoonie~”

Jihoon tried hard to fight the blush when he saw the other.

Said guy is wearing a red dress shirt and a black skinny jeans with a cap. It screams “boyfriend material”.

It took him a minute to realize he’s staring at the other. “So, are you going to let me in? Or are you just gonna admire my handsomeness?”

He punched the other’s shoulder lightly. “Handsome? Where? I don’t see him.”

Soonyoung pretended to be hurt. Jihoon cleared his throat and let him inside their house. The boy saw Jihoon’s mom on the kitchen. “Hello, Mrs.Lee. I already asked the doctor about this hair dye.”

“Don’t worry, mom. It’s just for a day.”

Jihoon’s mom just smiled at them. “Okay. You should still wear face masks,” she reminded them.

They both nodded and walked towards Jihoon’s room.

Soonyoung roamed his eyes and saw some posters and figurines.

“EXO posters and Marvel figurines. Lee Jihoon is a nerdy,” he teased.

Jihoon just handed him a face mask and wore his own. “Shut up. Let’s just start, okay? I’m kinda excited.”

Soonyoung nodded and started mixing the dye. He started applying it on Jihoon’s scalp first.

The other did the same to Soonyoung. While waiting, they decided to watch “Haikyuu”.

After an hour, they went to the bathroom to rinse and see the finished product.

Jihoon seems like he’s having a hard time washing his hair so Soonyoung offered to wash it for him.

The latter sat beside him and started washing his hair.

Jihoon froze on his spot when he realized that their faces are just a few inches away from each other, his heart hammering inside his own chest.

“It’s finally done, Hoonie.”

They blowdried their hair and when they finally finished, they just looked at each other, both proud of their own work.

“Do I look more handsome now, Hoonie?” Soonyoung asked.

“Shut up. Why are you always so full of yourself?” Jihoon rolled his eyes but secretly agreed.

“Hoonie~ Let’s take a picture. I want to remember this forever.”

  
                 💉💛💊

  
**#2) Ring a stranger’s doorbell.**

“Hoonie, are you ready?” Soonyoung whispered to Jihoon beside him.

The other nodded. They’re in a subdivision today. They’re gonna do the second one on the list.

Soonyoung started approaching the gate of a large house while Jihoon is following him from behind.

He gulped nervously then mouthed “1,2,3...” to Jihoon before pressing the door bell multiple times.

The other laughed boisterously at what he did. Soonyoung grinned at him. Not until they heard someone unlocking the door.

Soonyoung quickly took Jihoon’s hand. “Run, Hoonie~ Run!”

They ran as fast as they can. The shout of whoever that opened the gate muffled on the background as Jihoon stared at their intertwined hands.

Soonyounh chuckled while running, eyes completely disappearing.

The other guy can stare at him forever and he won’t ever get tired. The happy energy Soonyounh is radiating is enough to make his heart at peace.

They finally stopped behind a large tree several blocks away from that house.

Both of them were panting heavily, Jihoon’s hands on his knees.

“That’s so much fun!” Soonyounh exclaimed.

Jihoon just snorted. “Kwon Soonyoung and his stupid ideas. I can’t believe I did that with you.”

“Oh shut up! You love me too much, Hoonie~”

Jihoon was taken aback with what the other said. Not knowing what to reply. “I...”

“Let’s go find another doorbell?”

Jihoon nodded again. He was about to go when Soonyoung suddenly knelt in front of him.

He stood there, frozen. “W-What are you...doing?”

“Your shoelaces got untied. I don’t want you to fall.” Soonyoung looked up after tying his shoelaces and smiled at him. “Done!”

He stood up and ruffled Jihoon’s hair.

Is he even aware of what he’s doing to Jihoon’s heart?

Nobody knows.

He tugged Jihoon’s hand and tried to find another doorbell to ring.

  
It was their fourth doorbell when something unexpected happen. Someone opened the gate and an angry dog suddenly came out.

The duo started running for their lives. Soonyoung’s grip on Jihoon’s hand is so tight. They turned right and found an alley.

They both tried to fit in, their faces too close to each other.

Soonyoung covered Jihoon’s mouth as they tried to hide. They tried to stay as quiet as possible. Only the sound of their heart’s rapid beating can be heard.

Jihoon didn’t dare look up, not when he can feel Soonyoung’s breath on his face.

“I think the dog is gone?” He tried to let out an awkward laugh.

“Jihoon, I just realized...”

“What?” The other gulped while Soonyoung stared at him with those slanted eyes.

“Our height is perfect for forehead kisses.”

Jihoon didn’t know what to say. All his blood started rushing to his face. He was trying to think of a nonchalant reply when Soonyoung suddenly clutched his chest.

“Ya! Are you okay?” Jihoon asked worriedly.

“Ya! Kwon Soonyoung. What’s happening?”

The other is still clutching his chest. His face is contorted like he’s in a lot of pain.

“Hoonie, I can’t breathe...”


	4. d-76

Jihoon worriedly examined Soonyoung’s body.

“Wha— Why? I should call someone. I...”

“It’s because...”

“What? What’s happening?” Jihoon is already panicking. He was about to get his phone to call for help when Soonyoung stopped him.

“It’s because...you take my breath away, Hoonie~”

Soonyoung suddenly blurted out, earning a blushing Jihoon.

“What the hell! That’s not fucking funny, Kwon Soonyoung!” Jihoon shouted at the other. “I fucking panicked you asshole!”

  
Soonyoung just laughed at Jihoon’s reactions. The latter started walking away from him, rolling his eyes. But, Soonyoung is quick to grab his wrist.

“Sorry, Jihoon. I didn’t mean to scare you. Wait, don’t be mad.”

“Shut up! How can you joke about something like that?”

Jihoon is beyond pissed off. He really panicked seeing Soonyoung in that state earlier. “I can’t believe you really have the audacity to...”

He didn’t finish what he said when Soonyoung pulled him into a hug. “I’m really sorry Hoonie and thank you for worrying.”

Jihoon’s face is squeezed into Soonyoung’s chest. He really isn’t sure what’s louder. If it’s Soonyoung’s heart beat or his own.

At that very moment, all Jihoon wants is for everything to stop so they can stay like that forever.

 

The next week, Soonyoung didn’t show up at Jihoon’s hospital room. He tried to hide the disappointment on his face when his doctor started setting up his meds.

“Waiting for someone, Jihoon?” Dr.Choi teased the younger.

Jihoon just pouted.

“I’m not.”

  
Dr.Choi smiled knowingly. “Just call him, kid.”

Jihoon sighed and shook his head. When the doctor finally left, he took his phone from the bedside table and dialled Soonyoung’s number.

While ringing, he tried so hard to think what to tell him.

‘Hello. I’m just wondering where you are.’

‘Hey, I miss you.’

‘Scratch that. I fucking miss you already, Soonyoung.’

When the call finally connected, Jihoon was surprised when he heard an unfamiliar voice on the other line.

It’s a voice of a girl.

A girl, around their age? Jihoon’s not really sure.

“Hello? Who’s this please?” the girl on the other line asked.

Jihoon composed himself and tried answering the other as calmly as possible. “It’s Jihoon. I’m Soonyoung’s friend.”

‘Yeah, friend.’

He pursed his lips. “I was just wondering where he is...” Jihoon continued, his voice quiet but enough for the other party to hear.

“Sorry, Soonyoung is...”

“Who’s that?” There’s a faint voice on the background. It’s Soonyoung. It looks like he just woke up.

“He says he’s Jihoon, your friend. Didn’t know you have friends...” The call got disconnected.

Jihoon just froze.

‘Don’t assume things.’

‘Don’t assume things.’

‘Don’t assume things.’

He kept telling himself but miserably failed.

His phone vibrated. When he looked at it, it’s a text from Soonyoung.

from: soon ⭐️

hey, im really sorry i didnt get to visit you today. i woke up late. i’ll make it up to you next week. i promise. 💛

 

  
                   💉💛💊

 

**#3) Get tattoo.**

Kwon Soonyoung is a man of his words. The following week, he showed up at Jihoon’s doorstep with that stupid grin on his face.

“Guess who’s getting a tattoo today?” He excitedly told Jihoon who just woke up.

The other didn’t dare ask who’s the girl who answered his phone last week. He just assumed it’s his girlfriend or something.

‘It’s not my place anyways.’ he thought.

It hurts.

But when he saw Soonyoung in front of their house that day, he can’t stop his idiot heart from racing.

Traitor, idiot heart.

“Soonyoung, it’s 7 in the morning.”

“I told you, I’m gonna make it up to you right?” Soonyoung replied as he pushed Jihoon out of the way so he can walk towards the kitchen and greet Jihoon’s mom.

“Hello, Mrs.Lee~” Soonyoung hugged her.

  
“Hello, sunshine~ Where have you been? Jihoon missed you.”

“For the nth time, I didn’t miss Soonyoung, okay?” Jihoon glared at the other when Soonyoung looked at him teasingly.

“Don’t worry, Mrs.Lee. Jihoon and I are gonna have fun today so he won’t miss me anymore.” Soonyoung happily told Jihoon’s mom. Jihoon just groaned when he saw his mom pat Soonyoung’s head.

“Soonyoung, stop stealing my mom.” He complained while they’re on their way to the tattoo shop Soonyoung found on the internet.

The other just shrugged. “Not my fault I’m so lovable.”

Jihoon fell silent. Well, he’s not really wrong about that.

“If you don’t want me to steal your mom, should I steal your heart instead, Hoonie?”

Jihoon stopped walking.

“What?”

This guy really has the knack to shamelessly throw some shitty pickup lines on him when he already has a girlfriend.

Soonyoung chuckled again. “Never mind that, Hoonie. Let’s hurry up. Mr.Wen is one impatient piece of shit.”

So, it’s decided. Since Jihoon is still undergoing treatments, he’d get a henna tattoo. Soonyoung is the one getting the real one: the one that involves needles.

Seeing Soonyoung’s face is hilarious. He looked constipated. Jihoon just laughed at the other’s misery.

“Stop overreacting, Soonyoung. It’s just a period,” Jihoon said, between laughs.

He decided to tattoo a G-clef on the back of his left ear. While Soonyoung wanted a ‘period’ on his thumb.

He told Jihoon it means to end things. To put a period on a chapter of his life.

Before the tattoo artist could prick Soonyoung’s skin, Soonyoung gripped Jihoon’s hand tightly.

“How did you even survived all those syringes during treatments?”

“I...” When he felt the needle on his skin, Soonyoung fainted.

The ‘period’ became a ‘comma’.

  
                💉💛💊

 

**4.) Kiss a sea lion.**

“I still can’t believe you fainted just because of that tiny tattoo,” Jihoon continuously teased the other. He will never shut up about this.

“Just? Jihoon, that’s a needle.” Soonyoung pouted.

“Look at that comma. Guess that chapter of your life doesn’t want to be ended.” Jihoon joked.

The other mumbled something that he didn’t hear. He didn’t get a chance to ask what it is because they arrived at their next destination.

“Go get your first kiss, Hoonie~”

Soonyoung grabbed Jihoon’s hand and intertwined it with his. The latter felt a sudden rush of blood on his cheeks.

‘You can’t fall deeper, Jihoon.’ He tried convincing himself but to no avail. He just let Soonyoung tug his hand, secretly wishing the other won’t let go.

They finally found the sea lion show. Soonyoung dragged him to the front seat.

“I suggested this but you’re the one enjoying.” Jihoon commented to Soonyoung who’s seal-clapping to every trick Sealy, the sea lion, did in front of them.

“She’s so cute, Hoonie.”

“That’s true. But now that I smelled her, I think I’ll regret giving her my first kiss. She stinks.” Jihoon made gagging noises.

“Shut up, Hoonie~ you should be honored. For someone kiss-virgin, you shouldn’t be choosy, you know.”

Jihoon just rolled his eyes at his reply.

“Look! There’s so many people lining up for her kiss, Hoonie. she’s very in-demand.” Soonyoung giddily said as they fall in line for the sea creature’s kiss.

And that’s how Jihoon lost his first kiss to Sealy, the sea lion.

 

Jihoon is sitting on a bench outside the ocean park, regretting his life choices and waiting for Soonyoung who volunteered to buy him some snacks.

While waiting, he took out his small notebook. He scribbled some words he knew will fit into the song he’s been writing.

‘happiness’

‘world = cruel’

‘soon = happiness’

He’s so busy writing he didn’t even notice Soonyoung is beside him already.

“Did you start writing your song for me, Hoonie?” Jihoon froze. He prayed hard Soonyoung didn’t saw what he just wrote.

He nervously nodded. One of the thing in their bucket list is finishing a song. He didn’t expect Soonyounh to actually suggest to make a song for each other.

“What about you?” Jihoon diverted the topic.

“I am almost finished.” Soonyoung smiled mysteriously again.

“Stop smiling like that. You’re scaring me.” Jihoon replied.

The other just chuckled. “Don’t be scared, Hoonie~” He placed his hand on top of Jihoon’s hand and looked straight into the other’s eye.

‘What’s this uneasy feeling?’

 

                💉💛💊

  
**5.) Attend EXO’s concert.**

“Who wants to meet Chanyeol hyung?” Soonyoung said in a very loud voice when he entered Jihoon’s hospital room for his chemo sesh.

Jihoon just laughed when a nurse scolded him. “Sir, this is a hospital.” Soonyoung mumbled a soft apology.

He excitedly sat down next to Jihoon whose arms connected to the dextrose and his meds slowly trickling down his veins.

Jihoon looked at him, eyes wide in shock, when he showed the boy two tickets with “EXO Planet” written on it.

“Soonyoung, you didn’t...”

The other smiled cheekily at him. “Of course I did.”

Jihoon is so happy. He pulled the other into a tight hug. “Oh my god. Who are you? You are heaven-sent, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung chuckled at his reaction but hugged the other back.

“If only I know that you’ll give me a hug for this, Iwould have bought you one hundred tickets to EXO concert,” he joked.

That’s when Jihoon realized what he just did. He suddenly pulled away. “Sorry, I just got carried away,” he said as he scratched his nape.

“How do you even get that by the way? Ticket selling is over a month ago.” Jihoon tried to change the topic. That’s where he’s good at.

Soonyoung just smiled at him. “I have my sources, Hoonie~”

Jihoon’s heart felt like exploding. He’s really seeing EXO next week.

 

  
A night before the concert, Jihoon is lying on his bed, with his phone against his ear. He’s talking to Soonyoung for about thirty minutes already.

“Hoonie~ you have to calm down.” Soonyoung giggled when he heard some shifting on the other line.

Jihoon rolled on his bed once again. “How to calm down? I’m seeing EXO tomorrow. Can you already hear me screaming? I’m finally gonna hear them singing live.”

“So, who do you like more, Hoonie? Chanyeol hyung or me?” Jihoon was surprised with the sudden question.

‘You.’

Jihoon cleared his throat and tried to sound annoyed. He’s thankful Soonyoung can’t see him blushing right now. “Of course, it’s Chanyeol hyung. Is that even a question?”

Soonyoung gasped on the other line. “I feel betrayed, Hoonie.”

 

  
Just when Jihoon thought everything’s perfect these past few days, the worst came.

He woke up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain on his chest. He called for his mom weakly, almost inaudible. The pain is getting painful every minute. He clutched his chest tightly.

He tried calling for his mom again.

“M-Mom....I can’t breathe...”

His vision is getting blurry. He saw the door of his room opening, before everything turned pitch black.


	5. d-52

When Jihoon woke up and saw a familiar white ceiling, and felt something on his nose and mouth with that familiar beeping on his side, he fought the urge to groan.

Cancer is a bitch and it’s a fucking traitor.

He heard his mom talking to his doctor.

“Mrs.Lee, the latest CT scan says that the nodes on his lungs are not getting any better. Don’t worry, it’s not enlarging. but...” He trailed off. “It’s not shrinking either. I think we have to change his protocol.” Dr.Choi told his mom calmly.

He heard his mom sob beside him.

Jihoon pretended to be asleep. “For the mean time, we have to confine him for a few days to observe his condition. His immune system is very weak so I suggest frequent sterilization before coming near him.”

Fuck cancer.

“Mom...” He called his mom softly. When she heard him, she immediately went to his side and cried harder. “Why are you crying? I’m not dying.”

“I’m worried,” she said in between sobs.

“Just when I thought everything’s fine. Cancer has to stab me like this on my back.” He laughed, bitterly, with all those equipment connected to him.

Then, he suddenly remembered Soonyoung and all their plans that day.

“Mom, can you call Soonyoung?” His mom looked at him, puzzled. But when she understood, she grabbed her phone and dialled the boy’s number.

Jihoon carefully removed the breathing equipment attached to his mouth while waiting for the other to pick up.

“Hello?” He heard the chirpy voice on the other line. “Excited for later, Hoonie?”

“Uhh— Soonyoung about that...”

 

  
Needless to say, Jihoon saw Soonyoung rushing to his room the next twenty minutes after he ended the call.

The boy looked like a mess. He’s panting so hard. His hair still looks like a nest.

  
“Soonyoung...your slippers.”

He tried so hard not to laugh when Soonyoung looked down and saw unmatched slippers on his feet.

“Fuck slippers. What the fuck happened to you?” Soonyoung examined Jihoon, his eyes full of worry.

“Just some cancer shit. But I’ll live, don’t worry.” He let out a small smile.

He saw Soonyoung’s eyes getting glassy. “What the fuck was that? Are you crying? I told you I’ll live.” He decided not to tell the other about the lung tumors that are not shrinking so why is this boy still crying.

“I’m sorry. I got really scared.” Soonyoung puffed his cheeks to prevent himself from crying.

“I’m sorry about the EXO concert tho. I know you spent so much...”

Soonyoung cut him off. “Jesus, are you seriously worrying about my money when you’re here lying with tubes attached to your body? You are unbelievable, Lee Jihoon.”

 

  
The next day, Soonyoung went to visit Jihoon again. This time, not emptyhanded. He brought two aeribongs (ver. 1 and ver.2). He kissed Mrs.Lee on her cheeks and excitedly sit down beside Jihoon’s bed again.

The other just stared at him in awe.

“So, what are we doing?” Soonyoung adjusted Jihoon’s bed, then put a blinking headband with a “Park Chanyeol” written on it on Jihoon’s head. He wore his own blinking headband with Kai’s name on it.

He handed the other the black version lightstick.

He took his phone out and played a video. “Hoonie~ we’re attending EXO’s concert here at your hospital room.” Soonyoung smiled at him so brightly. Jihoon thought the sun would totally lose its job if it continues.

“Kwon Soonyoung and his stupid ideas.”

The next thing they knew, they were both singing together to every EXO song, waving their lightsticks into the air. It’s as if they were watching for real.

Soonyoung downloading a whole ass EXO concert for them to watch isn’t a stupid idea after all.

When the closing ment came and EXO members started singing “Angel”, they both looked at the screen, gloomily.

“Neoui sesangeuro~” Both of them watched Chanyeol give the kid a high five.

“This is awesome.” Jihoon blurted out.  
“Let’s make sure to attend the real ome next time.” Jihoon excitedly shook Soonyoung’s shoulder.

The other just looked at him and smiled.

“You’re supposed to say yes, idiot.”

Soonyoung chuckled. “Okay..okay. The real one next time.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

 

**6.) Sing and dance in front of many people.**

It’s Jihoon’s 4th day in the hospital when Soonyoung visited him again. This time, he’s carrying a guitar with him.

Jihoon’s eyes sparkled upon seeing the said instrument.

“Long time no see,” he said with a huge smile on his face.

“Hoonie~ did you miss me that much? We just met...the other day.” Soonyoung playfully hit Jihoon’s shoulder.

“Not you, idiot.” Jihoon playfully rolled his eyes. “It’s him.” He pointed the guitar Soonyoung is holding.

“How long are you gonna keep rejecting my love, Hoonie?” Soonyoung faked a cry.

“Rejecting your w-what?” Jihoon blinked.

“Let’s go out?” Soonyoung held out his hand to Jihoon. The other looked at him, puzzled. “Don’t worry. I already asked Dr.Choi. He said yes.”

Jihoon gladly took Soonyoung’s hand. The other took the dextrose pole and helped him wheel it outside.

“Where are we going?” He asked.

Soonyoung abruptly stopped. They’re at the hospital garden. Many patients, doctors and nurses are there, too.

Soonyoung tugged him to one of the benches.

“The 6th one on the list.”

Jihoon just blinked at him upon remembering the 6th thing on their list. “B-but...my voice is still not in good condition. Plus, how can I play with this?” He pointed the dextrose attached to his arm.

“Who says you’ll be the one to sing and play?” Soonyoung’s lips tilted upwards forming that very endearing smile.

“Multitalented idiot.” Jihoon hummed im response. “Look, I don’t know why you’re rushing things on that list. But whatever is the reason, should I be thankful because I get to hear you sing?” Jihoon chuckled.

Soonyoung just looked at him. That uneasy feeling passed by Jihoon’s heart again. He can’t help but be scared.

The other stood up and called the attention of the other people in the garden.

The others went near them. Jihoon suddenly became conscious of all the eyes watching them.

“Sorry to bother you, but...my friend and I here just want to bless you with a song. I’m not really good and I just hope you brought your umbrellas with you today.” The audience laughed.

Soonyoung sat down beside Jihoon again and placed the guitar on his lap like a pro, with one of his legs crossed. Jihoon stopped himself from snorting.

The other started strumming the first chords, his eyes never leaving Jihoon.

“I wanna make you smile, whenever you’re sad~  
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad   
All I wanna do...is grow old with you~”

Jihoon’s eyes started getting glassy. Of all the songs, why did this idiot in front of him chose the song he really wanted to sing for him.

He bit his lower lip, trying so hard to stop himself from tearing up.

Soonyoung shook his head at him, telling him not to cry. He mouthed, “idiot” to him and a tear finally ran down his cheek.

“I’ll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold~”

Soonyoung closed his eyes, feeling his song while Jihoon is still watching him with tears running down his face.

‘I really like this guy.’ Jihoon thought. And he never prayed that fervently before but he only has one wish at that very moment.

“It could be so nice growing old with you~  
I wanna grow old with you~”

Soonyoung finished the song, the audience clapped, mesmerized by his voice.

Jihoon couldn’t contain his feelings anymore and pulled the other into a hug.

‘Lord, I wanna be with this guy for a long time.’

 

  
“Hoonie...I can’t breathe.” Soonyoung told the other who’s still crushing him in a hug.

Jihoon quickly pulled away. “I’m sorry. I’m just...” He wiped his tears but Soonyoung took his hand and he wiped Jihoon’s tears with his thumb instead.

“Why are you crying, Hoonie?”

‘Because I like you...a lot.’ Jihoon wanted to say but he suddenly remembered the girl who answered Soonyoung’s phone that one time.

“Because...I’m touched. I didn’t expect you’d have that beautiful voice.” It’s not a lie tho. Jihoon is really mesmerized by his voice.

Soonyoung stood up and bowed to the spectators. He looked at Jihoon again and smiled proudly. “I’m a total performer, you know.” He winked at him.

God, he winked at Jihoon. The poor boy averted his gaze to hide his blushing face.

Soonyoung sat down beside him again.

For a few seconds, they’re enveloped with silence.

“I...”

“You know...”

They laughed. They talked at the same time.

“You go first, Hoonie~”

“No. You should go first, Soonyoung.”

The other sighed but continued what he’s going to say.

“You know what, Hoonie~ I was actually planning to do double majoring the same month I was diagnosed two years ago.”

Jihoon looked at Soonyoung. He saw the pain in his eyes. He bravely put his hands on top of the other.

“I was planning to enroll as dance major and music major. There’s this someone who inspired me to do so.” Soonyoung chuckled trying to remember that memory.

“You know that freshmen orientation program, right? I saw him for the first time there. He’s just...beautiful. I was mesmerized.”

Jihoon gulped. He’s not talking about him, right? It’s impossible. There are 4000 people on that freshmen orientation.

“But then, shit happens. I was diagnosed then I have to stop going to the university. I was home-schooled.” Soonyoung shared, his face looks so heart broken. Jihoon can’t help but feel the pain, too.

He completely understands what he feels. He has been through that, too.

  
The pain of losing your dream.

He let out a smile and patted Soonyoung’s shoulder. “You can always go back to dancing and singing, Soonyoung. You’re already healed.”

Soonyiunh smiled at what he said. “Yeah, right. I am healed already.”

“If there’s someone who should be scared here, it should be me. Actually, the doctor told me the nodes in my lungs aren’t getting any better.” Jihoon finally told the other. Soonyoung looked at him, shocked.

“Why didn’t you tell me...” Soonyoung said in a frustrated tone.

“Because I don’t want you to worry.”

“But still...I can’t believe you kept that information from me.” Soonyoung harshly ran his both hands through his hair.

Jihoon reached for his hand. “This is why I don’t want to tell you, idiot.” Helooked at Soonyoung’s eyes and he saw panic.

“Let me tell you a story. The day before I attempted to end my life, I was outside my doctor’s office.” Jihoon looked away from the other’s gaze and stared at the other patients in the garden.

“A young lady from the other room sat down beside me. She’s crying so hard. I don’t even know what to do. In the end, I handed her a handkerchief. She accepted it then she told me, her brother’s dying. Apparently, he’s too young to die but the doctor told them there’a nothing else they can do.” Jihoon heaved a sigh.

He looked at Soonyoung, tears threatening to fall. He felt the other rubbing comforting circles on his hand as he continued. “She told me how his brother has so many dreams. He has so much to contribute to this world. I realized that time, life is so unfair.”

“Here I am, wishing for my life to end already so my mom won’t suffer anymore and there’s that person who wants to live longer but he can’t. That time when I was standing off the edge of the rooftop, I was also praying to give my miracle to that person whoever he is.”

 

“But then, you came.” Jihoon looked at Soonyoung again. God, he’ll never get tired of staring into that orbs. “My prayers about giving my life to that person long gone. I just want to be with the people I love...for a long time.” He admitted.

Soonyoung can’t help but tear up. “Ya! Why are you crying?” Jihoon asked him worriedly.

“Why do you have to make me so emotional, Lee Jihoon?” He chuckled.

“Soonyoung, the thing I’m scared the most right now, it’s not my death. It’s actually leaving the people I love.”

 

 

 **7.) Go to a club and don’t get drunk**.

A few days after Jihoon got discharged, Soonyoung asked Mrs.Lee for permission to go to a club.

Jihoon’s mom almost choke when he asked that. But he gained her trust because not all kids these days asks for their parent’s permission to go to clubs, right?

Kwon Soonyoung is really something. She allowed them with the promise that they’ll not drink anything alcoholic and they’ll go home before midnight.

Jihoon groaned at the curfew but he didn’t want his mom to worry too so he agreed.

That night, Soonyoung went to Jihoon’s house in complete party attire: a ripped jeans partnered with a white shirt and a leather jacket. He also put on eyeshadows.

“Who are you? What did you do to Kwon Soonyoung?” Jihoon asked the guy, his arms crossed.

Soonyoung just chuckled. “What are you even wearing, Jihoon? The bouncer won’t let us pass with that.” He crinkled his nose looking at Jihoon’s usual dressup.

Simple jeans, an oversized hoodie with his sneakers.

“Uhh— I’m wearing clothes?”

Soonyoung shook his head. He tugged Jihoon towards the latter’s room. He rummaged his closet to look for club-worthy clothes. He gave up in the end.

“Okay, let’s at least put some eye liner on your eyes.” Soonyoung fished something from his pocket. He pulled Jihoon near him. His hot breath brushing Jihoon’s cheeks. The latter’s breath hitched. He tried distracting himself.

“W-Where did you even get that?” He stuttered.

Soonyoung is still focused on applying eye liner to Jihoon’s small eyes.

“It’s from my noona’s things, actually.”

“Oh, so you have a noona.” Jihoon confirmed. Soonyoung is talkative but he never really opens up about his family. He’s not the type to pry and he assumed he didn’t want to talk about it so he never really asked.

“Yep. She’s the one who answered my phone that time.”

Jihoon’s eyes opened wide and Soonyoung almost ruined the makeup he’s been trying to apply on him.

“Ya, what’s wrong?” The other just laughed. So, all this time, the girl he thought is Soonyoung’s girlfriend is actually his sister?

  
“I thought she’s your girlfriend.” Jihoon said, still laughing. This is what he gets for assuming things and not asking.

Soonyoung just blinked. “Girlfriend? What the hell, Hoonie?” He pulled Jihoon close to him again and continued working on the latter’s eyes.

Jihoon’s heart almost stop beating because of their close proximity again. He thought of all those times he hesitated to say his feelings for Soonyoung.

  
Stupid, stupid Jihoon.

He was busy staring at Soonyoung’s plump lips when the other told him that it’s done.

When he looked into the mirror, he joked about him not looking like a cancer patient as he thanked Soonyoung.

The other just hummed in response.

When they finally got inside the club, Soonyoung and Jihoon went straight into the dance floor.

Jihoon isn’t really someone who can dance so when he looked at the way Soonyoung is dancing, he almost wants to go home. In the end, he gave up and just went to the bar counter.

The bartender offered him drinks but he immediately refused. The doctor specifically told him that he’s gonna have rashes if ever he drink something alcoholic and that’s the last thing he wants to happen.

However, the bartender left the drink beside him telling him it’s on him. He muttered a soft ‘thanks’ and immediately went back to watching Soonyoung dancing.

‘How can someone possibly move like that? He’s so...hot,’ Jihoon thought.

He bit his lip whe he realized he has such nice ass, too.

He looked away from his ass and directed his gaze at Soonyoung’s face instead. He’s surprised he’s already staring back at him. Said guy winked.

Fuck, he winked.

Soonyoung saw Jihoon tense from his seat as he smirked.

“Fuck.” Jihoon said.

He saw Soonyoung walking towards him but the latter was blocked when a girl suddenly pull him into a kiss.

Jihoon’s heart stopped. It hurts. He gulped the drink beside him and immediately walked out.

Soonyoung tensed. Who the fuck is this girl. He didn’t even know her.

When he pushed the woman away from him and looked back at Jihoon, he saw the latter already exiting the club.

He immediately followed him. When they’re already outside, he grabbed Jihoon’s wrist so he can face him.

The other’s face is red. “Jihoon, I swear I don’t know her...” Soonyoung explained but Jihoon cut him off.

  
“Soonyoung, I like you.”

  
Soonyoung blinked at him. His own heart drumming loudly inside his chest. He cupped Jihoon’s cheeks. “What? Hoonie~ did you drink? Oh my god, I told you...”

Jihoon swatted his hands away. “Screw that. I think I love you, Soonyoung.”

He saw Soonyoung stand there in front of him, frozen.

“Funny how you answered me with ‘Thank you for loving me as a friend.’ when we had that emotional talk in the hospital. I thought, ‘Wow, he’s really an idiot.’ but I really like you, Soonyoung.”

“I really love you,” he corrected himself. “I cry myself to sleep thinking about you. That if I die, I won’t be able to see you again. That what if one day, I won’t see you again.” He wiped his tears.

“Soonyoung, I’m scared. I just want you by my side forever. I know it’s selfish but...” Jihoon’s voice cracked. He finally let out all those things he’s been wanting to tell the guy who changed his life.

The guy who made him realize that he wants to live.

He saw Soonyoung’s eyes getting glassy, too. He saw that mysterious glint of sadness in his eyes again.

Soonyoung opened his mouth but suddenly closed it again. He bit his lower lip then forced himself to answer with a quiet voice.

“Hoonie~ I’m sorry.”


	6. d-38

  
**8.) Amusement park**

_‘Where do broken hearts go,  
can they find their way home~’_

Jihoon put his one arm on his forehead. His head hurts. His heart hurts. Everything hurts.

“Mom! Can you turn off the radio, please?” He called out to his mom who’s outside his room doing her usual routines.

Soon after, the sound from the radio can’t be heard.

But the pain in his heart isn’t gone.

‘Hoonie~ I’m sorry.’

‘Hoonie~ I’m sorry.’

‘Hoonie~ I’m sorry.’

The scene from that night kept repeating on his mind endlessly.

‘So, this is what rejection feels like,’ he thought to himself. That night, after apologizing to him, the funny thing was Soonyoung grabbed his wrist and still took him home.

And now...now as in three days from that night, the idiot hasn’t showed up nor texted him.

‘Stupid Jihoon. You shouldn’t have done that.’ He told himself repeatedly but a part of him was actually relieved because who knows if it’s his only chance to tell Soonyoung how much he means to him.

How much he loves him.

There’s a knock on the door. He immediately stood up to open the door, but his face fell when he saw his mother on the other side.

“Disappointed, sweetie?” She chuckled. “I told you to contact him already.” She went inside his room to arrange his newly folded clothes to the cabinet.

  
“I told you, I don’t miss him.” Jihoon stubbornly said.

“Your reactions says otherwise.” She teased her son.

Jihoon just groaned and went to his table to continue the song he’s been working on for their bucket list.

The list he didn’t know if the other will continue.

“By the way, I already bought two amusement park tickets.” Jihoon’s mom finished arranging his clothes. She walked towards jihoon and put the two tickets on his table.

Jihoon looked at her incredulously. “What? But mom, I don’t even know if...”

“Lee Jihoon, you assuming things and never asking questions directly will lead you to nowhere. That’s why I told you to contact him already.” She walked towards the door but before closing it, she added, “Don’t even think of wasting that. That’s hard-earned money, son.”

 

It’s been an hour since his mom left the room. Jihoon is still staring at the small photo of Soonyoung on his contact list.

It is a picture of him when his mom squished the other’s cheeks. He’s too cute and Jihoon couldn’t help but capture it and make it Soonyoung’s contact photo.

He pressed ‘call’ and rolled over his bed to bury his face on the pillow.

Few seconds after, he looked back to his phone again and he almost freak out when he saw the call got connected.

He put it on his ear and heard the voice he’s been wanting to hear.

“Hello? Hoonie?” He heard some rustling on the other line. He also heard Soonyoung coughing.

“Hey, are you sick?” Jihoon asked, worried.

Soonyoung replied a quick ‘no’ and that he just caught a cold yesterday. “I’m sorry I didn’t go to your session the other day.”

“That’s fine.” Jihoon bit his lower lip.

There’s awkward silence that followed after he said that.

He cleared his throat and told the other line. “Ya! My mom bought two amusement park tickets. You know I don’t have any friends,” he bit his lip at the word ‘friend’. “So, I was thinking if you’d like to continue our bucket list.”

Soonyoung heaved a sigh. “What made you think I’m going to stop doing our list?”

Jihoon can’t believe Soonyoung’s the one asking that. He just replied with the date and time and ended the call praying that it wouldn’t be awkward.

 

True to his words (as always!), Soonyoung showed up at their front door for their amusement park date.

No, date isn’t the right word to call it.

He’s wearing his usual smile. Jihoon is thankful Soonyoung isn’t making it awkward for them but he’s still hurt by the fact that the other didn’t even bother explaining things to him.

To why he answered ‘I’m sorry.’ He could just say, ‘I don’t like you that way.’

But instead, he saw that mysterious look in his eyes and left him hanging with that bullshit ‘Hoonie~ I’m sorry.’

He sighed internally and decided to enjoy the day with Soonyoung.

Their list is nearing its end and he really didn’t know if the other will still be friends with him after that.

 

“Hoonie~” Soonyoung finally said when they reached the entrance of the park. “I know I’m...”

Jihoon cut him off. “Soonyoung, can we just pretend it didn’t happen? You can just forget what I said.” He awkwardly laughed. “I was a bit drunk that night. You see...” He rolled up his hoodie and showed the other some red rashes.

  
“I got this rashes because of my stupidity.” He faked a laugh again. “Now, let’s just enjoy this day, okay? Because my mom will kill me before cancer does if I dare waste her hard-earned money.”

Soonyoung smiled as he took Jihoon’s hand and led them inside the amusement park.

The first thing that they did is go to a shop. They bought cute animal hats.

Soonyoung chose a tiger. “It fits me, right? Rawr~” He formed claws with his chubby fingers and scrunched his face.

  
Jihoon laughed at him. He took the tiger hat away from Soonyoung’s head and replaced it with a hamster hat instead. “This suits you better.”

The other pouted, “How dare you?”

  
Jihoon chuckled at his reaction. He chose a lion for his hat but Soonyoung took it away too and replaced it with a penguin instead. “Cutie Hoonie~”

He tried so hard not to blush when Soonyoung pinched his cheeks. He swatted his hands away. “I’m not cute.”

Soonyoung just laughed. “Whatever you say, Hoonie.”

They paid for the hats and went to their very first ride.

 

  
“Are you sure about this?” Jihoon asked dumbly.

Soonyoung nodded excitedly as he pulled Jihoon to fall in line with him.

“This is so thrilling,” the latter added, soulless.

Ten minutes later, they were finally able to ride the carousel.

When the ride ended, Jihoon felt like throwing up but seeing Soonyoung so happy and ‘thrilled’ with the carousel made him smile, too.

He’s whipped.

They also tried the Vikings. Jihoon wanted to sit on the last line but Soonyoung looks like he’s about to cry anytime soon so they just sat on the middle part. Jihoon crossed his arms while waiting for the ride to swing.

Soonyoung scolded him. “Jihoon, when riding the Vikings, you have to put your both hands into the air and shout.”

Jihoon imitated what Soonyoung did and muttered an awkward ‘hoo’. The other laughed at him.

But when the ride started swinging back and forth, Jihoon is the one laughing.

Soonyoung never really got the chance to put his hands up in the air. He’s gripping the handle so tight with his eyes closed.

“Are those tears?” Jihoon teased when they went down.

“Tears? What tears? That’s sweat.” Soonyoung lied while the other can’t stop laughing. He just grabbed his hand to buy some snacks.

“I can’t believe you were able to ride all those rides when you just underwent a chemo sesh few days ago.” Soonyoung said, amazed.

Jihoon shrugged. “I can’t believe you’re really afraid of Vikings.”

“That’s below the belt!” The other pouted.

The sun is setting when get to their last ride: Ferris Wheel.

They were facing each other as the wheel started to slowly turn. Soonyoung shut his eyes tightly. Apparently, this boy is afraid of heights. Jihoon learned that today.

He went to sit beside him. “If you’re afraid of heights, you should’ve told me to exclude that ‘amusement park’ on our list.”

Soonyoung felt Jihoon beside him so he slowly opened his eyes and looked at him. “I saw how excited you are when you wrote that. Who am I to take away that happiness from you?”

  
Jihoon’s heart raced at what the other said. Kwon Soonyoung and his effect to Lee Jihoon.

He tried looking away but Soonyounb stopped him by holding his face so he’s still facing him. “Don’t look away, please. I’m still scared.”

Jihoon softly chuckled. “Scaredy hamster.”

He looked at the other and saw Soonyoung’s lips pressed into a thin line.

“Hoonie~ That night...”

Jihoon tried shutting him up. “I told you, it’s fine.”

“No, let me finish first.”

He stared at Soonyoung intently and meekly nodded. The latter took a deep breath.

“That night is the happiest night of my life.”

Jihoon’s eyes grew wide. Soonyoung slid his fingers into his. “What? But you told me...”

“I told you I’m sorry because,” Soonyoung trailed off. “Hoonie, I’m afraid. I don’t want you getting hurt in the end.”

“Why do you even think of hurting me in the end?”

Jihoon is so confused. He likes Soonyoung. Soonyoung likes him, too. So, what’s the fucking problem?

“Is it because I have cancer? It is because you’re afraid I’ll leave you?”

Soonyoung panicked. “God, no! Jihoon, I won’t ever consider your cancer as a reason not to like you.”

“Then, why? At least enlighten me.” He saw Soonyoung’s eyes getting watery.

“I can’t...” Soonyoung tried saying something but decided to shut his mouth off again.

Jihoon is so frustrated. “You told me earlier you don’t want to take my happiness away, right?”

Soonyoung nodded.

“Well, guess what. You are my happiness, Kwon Soonyoung. You have no right to take that away from me. If I’m hurt, then I’m hurt. I don’t give a fuck. If that means you’ll be staying by my side. Fuck. I don’t even need you to explain. Just...just stay and we’ll make this work...”

Before Jihoon can say another word, his lips was shut by Soonyoung’s warm lips.

He closed his eyes, placed his hand on the other’s nape as he returned the kiss.

The sun is setting and they’re on the very top of the ferris wheel.

Jihoon prayed for time to just stop forever.

 

  
**9.) Meet my first love.**

“I can’t believe you’re really going to let me meet your first love.” Jihoon pouted at the passenger seat of Soonyoung’s car.

The latter just laughed at him. “Are you jealous, Hoonie?” He teased.

“Jealous? Who the hell is jealous? You are my boyfriend now.” It’s Jihoon’s turn to tease especially when he saw the other’s ears getting red. “Like what you hear? Boyfriend?” He emphasized.

Soonyoung bit his lower lip, pretending not to be affected by the other’s teasing.

“Hoonie, please. I need to focus on the road.”

Jihoon laughed, satisfied by seeing his effect on Soonyoung. It’s been three days since they became boyfriends. Jihoon has to thank his mom for buying those amusement park tickets.

Soonyoung cried a lot that day. Jihoon just reassured him that whatever it is that he’s scared of, they’ll gonna make their relationship work.

That’s how love works anyways, right? As corny as it may sound, Jihoon firmly believes that love conquers all.

Even cancer.

“Wait, are we going to our university?” Jihoon asked when he realized the familiar road they’re taking.

Soonyoung hummed in response to which Jihoon sulked again. “I knew it. You probably made all those girls and guys swoon over you, right?”

“Hoonie, I just enrolled for a semester before dropping out.” His boyfriend chuckled at the way Jihoon is pouting.

“The moment I watched your ‘Who’ video, I know you’ll steal so many hearts.”

Soonyoung took Jihoon’s hand and kissed the back of it. “I stole yours, didn’t I?”

Jihoon felt all the blood rushed to his face. “Shut up and just drive. You’re going to get us killed.” He kept fanning himself so his burning cheeks will cool down.

He saw Soonyoung smirk before returning his eyes back on the road.

He admired his boyfriend’s features: his slanted eyes, his soft hair, his bunched up cheeks.

“I know I’m handsome. You don’t have to stare.”

“Soonyoung, are you on a diet?” Jihoon asked the other. He noticed that his cheeks are not as full as the first time they met.

He saw the other tense.

“Yes, I am.” Soonyoung quickly replied.

“You don’t have to. My mom loves your chubby cheeks. She’ll be sad if that’ll be gone.” He commented.

Soonyoung just nodded and promised to eat lots and lots of food starting from that day.

When they arrived at their university, they walked towards the gate. The guard recognized Soonyoung and let them in.

Jihoon threw his boyfriend a questioning look. The other just shrugged, took his hands and led him to their school auditorium.

“What are we doing here?” Jihoon asked, puzzled.

“I told you we’re gonna meet my first love.” Soonyoung smiled sweetly, as he faced Jihoon.

Jihoon roamed his eyes around the empty auditorium. “But we’re the only ones here.”

The other pulled him to the center of the auditorium. “I told you about the guy who inspired me to do double majoring on our freshmen orientation, right?”

Jihoon nodded, still confused.

Soonyoung pointed somewhere on the bleachers. “He is sitting right there.”

Jihoon followed where Soonyoung is pointing.

“He might not remember me because he’s busy writing lyrics on his notepad. He was also complaining about his class schedules. It’s because he’s not a morning person.” Jihoon’s eyes widened.

  
Why does it sound so familiar to him?

  
“I was sitting next to him. I just stared at him the whole time. I even saw how happy he is when he finished his lyrics. He was humming to the song he just made not really caring about the bullshit club presidents were saying trying to invite freshmen to join their clubs.”

  
Jihoon’s eyes started tearing up.

  
“He is the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. When I dropped out, I didn’t think I’ll ever see him again but...” Soonyoung cupped Jihoon’s cheeks and stared right into his eyes. “He’s standing here in front of me right now.”

Jihoon’s tears started streaming down his face. “Why didn’t you tell me, idiot?”

Soonyoung pulled him into a hug. He didn’t mind that Jihoon’s tears is making his shirt wet as he pat his boyfriend’s back and answered, “Because I’m preparing for this?”

“What does that even make of me? I just told you yesterday that you’re my first love while you do all of this and made me a crying mess.” Jihoon pulled away and lightly punched his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Hoonie.” Soonyoung cupped his cheeks and kissed his nose.

“Why are you saying sorry when you just confessed that I’m your first love?” Jihoon looked at him, confused.

Instead of answering, he leaned down and kissed Jihoon on his lips.

When they pulled away, Soonyounh took Jihoon’s hand and intertwined it with his.

“There’s someone else I want you to meet.”

“Who? I’m not ready for ‘meet-the-parents’.” Jihoon joked.

The other just laughed. “It’s Chiro.”

They drove their way to Soonyoung’s house. It’s the first time he opened up about his house and Jihoon felt really giddy and excited. Add the fact that he’ll finally meet Soonyoung’s cat, Chiro.

  
They entered an exclusive subdivision. When Soonyoung stopped the car in front of a very expensive looking house, his jaw just dropped open.

He knew Soonyoung’s family is well-off but he didn’t expect him to be this rich.

He parked the car and opened the door for Jihoon. The other’s mouth still agape.

“You didn’t tell me...”

Soonyoung just squeezed his hand. “It doesn’t even matter, Hoonie.”

  
They went inside the house. Soonyoung led Jihoon to their living room. “Please make yourself at home. I’ll go find something to eat in the kitchen and I’ll try to find Chiro, too.

When Soonyoung disappeared from his sight, Jihoon looked at the pictures on the living room.

He saw Soonyoung’s high school graduation picture. He giggled at how cute his boyfriend is.

Beside it, there’s a family picture.

 

Jihoon felt a shiver run down through his spine when he saw a familiar person.

It’s the woman he saw crying the day he thought of ending his life.


	7. d-17

**10.) Give someone a “hug”.**

Soonyoung went back from the kitchen, with his pet Chiro in his arms. He froze when he saw Jihoon’s lips quivering, his eyes glassy, looking at their family picture.

“Jihoon?” He called out, his voice weak. The cat jumped off from his arms.

Jihoon looked at him with those tear-filled eyes that Soonyoung never wants to see.

The other let out a small smile. He pointed to the picture. “Soonyoung, is she your sister? Please, tell me she isn’t. She...” Jihoon trailed off, his eyes shut tightly.

  
“She’s that woman I told you who cried beside me telling me about her dying brother.” Jihoon wiped the tears already streaming down his face. “Please, tell me...”

Soonyoung lowered his head, his eyes not meeting the other’s. He answered with a soft voice that confirmed Jihoon’s fears.

“She is my sister, Jihoon.”

Jihoon still can’t believe it so he asked another question. One last question to confirm. He bit his lower lip hard trying to stop the sob.

  
“This is not what i think it is, right? You...” Jihoon stopped again. He saw the other’s cheeks wet with tears, too.

He bravely walked towards Soonyoung. “Soonyoung, please tell me you’re not...” He bit back a sob again. “You are a survivor, right?” He’s clutching Soonyoung’s shirt tighter, his voice begging.

He is begging for the other to tell him that all of this isn’t true.

He cupped Soonyoung’s cheeks so the other would face him. “Soonyoung, please. Look at me in the eye and tell me that what I’m thinking isn’t true, please.” His voice is now trembling.

Soonyoung finally looked at Jihoon and said in a weak, almost inaudible voice, “I-I’m sorry.”

Jihoon felt everything crashing down, his heart shattering into tiny million pieces.

 

“J-Jihoon, I’m dying.”

  
Soonyoung put his hands on his face. “I-I’m dying.” He repeated, his whole body shaking violently as he sobbed hard.

He didn’t want Jihoon to find out. As selfish as it is, he’d leave after completing their bucket list.

  
The ‘Fall in love.’ is actually a plan for him to find someone who’ll love Jihoon before he dies.

He’d completely cut off all their connections. He doesn’t care if Jihoon hates him when he leaves. What’s important is he made the first and last person he loves happy before he dies.

It was that fateful day a few months ago. He went to this hospital for a second opinion. But, the results are the same.

He only has 4 months to live.

Life decided to give him one last parting gift when he saw Jihoon on the hallways. He is his first love, his inspiration.

He followed the other to the rooftop. Soonyoung’s heart is so happy to see him that day. It was as if he forgot that his life is about to end in four months.

However, it all came crashing down when he saw the other standing on the edge of that rooftop.

Soonyoung quickly ran towards the other to stop him from jumping off. He had to lie that he’s a cancer survivor because from that moment, he vowed to himself.

Kwon Soonyoung vowed to himself that he’ll use his remaining days to save another life.

To help Jihoon realize that life is beautiful. That life may be shitty at times but there’s still more reasons to live.

 

At that moment, everything suddenly made sense to Jihoon. From the fresh scars on Soonyoung’s hands, up to those mysterious glint of sadness passing through his eyes. Those smiles that never really reached his eyes.

Life is one big fucking joke.

He looked at Soonyoung and the other’s face is still buried in his hands, his whole body shaking violently while he continued sobbing hard.

He kept repeating, “I-I’m sorry, Jihoon.” with that weak trembling voice.

  
Jihoon wrapped his arms around Soonyoung, his own tears uncontrollably falling from his eyes.

“Soonyoung,” he weakly called out in between sobs.

“I’m sorry for lying, Jihoon. Everytime I wasn’t able to visit you, it’s because I’m in my own hospital room. I didn’t want you to worry,” Soonyoung painfully choked out. He buried his face on Jihoon’s neck.

  
“I’m sorry, I have to reject your confession the first time. I...” Jihoon shushed him.

He just wants to envelope him in his arms. “You don’t have to explain.”

Both of them are shaking in each other’s arms, both trying to deny that life has played a shitty joke to the both of them.

“I-I don’t want to leave you, Hoonie.” Soonyoung is already having a hard time breathing. Jihoon held the other in his arms tighter.

“No one is leaving.” Jihoon replied, his voice full of fear. “No one.”

Soonyoung is already coughing in between sobs but he’s still repeating, “I’m sorry, Hoonie.” all over again. Jihoon’s heart shatters everytime he hears that.

Soonyoung pulled away, he’s trying to say something while Jihoon is wiping his tears. No sound came out. He’s still sobbing hard.

He felt a sudden pang on his chest. He clutched his shirt tightly. Jihoon’s voice calling him is almost inaudible when everything blacked out.

 

**11.) Finish a song.**

Jihoon went inside their house, tiredness evident on his face, as dark circles can be seen under his eyes.

He walked towards his mother and kissed her on the cheeks. “How is he?”

Jihoon shook his head. His mom pulled him into a hug. “He’ll be alright.”

It’s been a week since he knew about Soonyoung’s condition. The whole thing hasn’t sinked in to him, to be very honest. But, he has to be strong.

Soonyoung woke up a day after he fainted. The doctor said that his condition is not yet stable and he has to stay in the hospital.

Jihoon’s heart hurt. How could he not noticed Soonyoung’s paleness and loss of weight. He’s a fool. He couldn’t accept that he’s so focused with his feelings he didn’t even see through Soonyoung’s white lies.

“Dr.Hong, I have lymphoma, too.” He told Soonyoung’s doctor. He’s young, probably same age as Dr.Choi. “My doctor said it has high prognosis.”

“It depends on the type of lymphoma. Yours is Hodgkin’s, right?” Jihoon nodded. He saw the doctor heave a sigh. “Sadly, Soonyoung’s cancer is Non-hodgkin’s.”

“It’s concentrated on one part of the body only. In his case, it’s on his lungs. It’s the reason why he’s having difficulty breathing.” The doctor put a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder. “It has lower survival rate than your condition. I’m sorry.”

Jihoon felt like the whole world crashing down below his feet.

 

He looked at Soonyoung, lying unconscious on his bed, with all those breathing apparatuses connected to him.

He felt his cheeks getting wet again. He lowered his head and prayed to God so fervently that night.

“Hey, I know I haven’t been a good son to You. I don’t even called You when I’m sick. I almost took my own life, too. But please...” He clasped his hand and shut his eyes tightly. “Please, don’t take Soonyoung away from me.” He choked on his own sobs. “I-I’m begging You.”

 

When Soonyoung woke up, the first thing that he did was flash a weak smile to Jihoon.

  
“I’m okay,” he mouthed to him.

Jihoon never felt so scared before, not even when the doctor told him he has cancer.

Ever since he knew about Soonyoung’s condition, he barely sleeps.

“Jihoon, I just want to remind you that you’re sick, too. I want you to be strong for Soonyoung but don’t forget yourself,” his mom reminded him.

He weakly smiled at her and went to his own room.

One thing Jihoon fears the most these days is a phone call.

Because a phone call could only mean two things right now.

1\. Soonyoung is in danger.   
2\. Soonyoung is gone.

  
So, when he saw the other’s photo on his phone screen, he immediately answered the call, his heart beating so fast inside his chest.

“Hello?” he said, his breath hitched.

He heaved a sigh of relief when he heard Soonyoung’s weak voice on the other line.

“Hoonie.”

“What’s wrong? Are you in pain? I’m on my way there.”

“No, just come here tomorrow. Bring your guitar with you.”

“My guitar?” Jihoon asked, puzzled.

“Our list.” Soonyoung laughed weakly. “I need to hear your song for me.”

Jihoon bit his lips hard. “O-Okay. Anything for you.”

“And...Hoonie.”

The other stopped himself from crying. If Soonyoung can be strong for him on times that he needed him, he can do it too.

“Yes? What else do you need?”

  
There’s a long pause before Soonyoung spoke again.

  
“Write a eulogy for me.”

 

Jihoon buried his face on his pillow to muffle his sobs. He clutched his chest tightly and answered “Okay.”

 

It’s his first time writing something for someone. He didn’t even write love letters to his crushes.

He didn’t know that the first time he’ll be able to write something for the one he truly loves, it’d be a eulogy.

With a heavy heart, he went to the hospital again with his guitar strapped on his back. He put the piece of paper he wrote while crying really hard on his back pocket.

With heavy footsteps, he reached Soonyoung’s hospital room. He saw his noona. She smiled at him.

Soonyoung waved at him with that sunshine smile on his lips again. Jihoon answered him with a kiss on his forehead.

He pushed the wheel chair to the direction of that little chapel inside the hospital.

They went inside and Jihoon stopped the wheel chair in the middle of the aisle as he walked towards the small podium. He put his guitar down, took the white piece of paper on his back pocket and breathed heavily.

“First of all, I— this is the very first time I was able to write a letter for someone and it’s...a eulogy. Kwon Soonyoung, you should be honored. I don’t even do this to my past crushes.” Jihoon tried to lighten the atmosphere. He smiled when he saw Soonyoung chuckle.

  
“The first time I met you, I’m bewitched. I don’t even know how I got to trust you that fast. I’m an introvert. I don’t have any friends. I love doing things by myself. Basically, I love being alone. But when I met you, I always get sad whenever we part.” Jihoon saw Soonyoung smile widely.

  
“Yes, you have that effect on me, Kwon Soonyoung. You can boast that to all the angels up there.” Jihoon’s eyes started tearing up when he read the next sentence on the paper.

  
“Imagining a life without you is something that is impossible. My love for you is a journey starting at forever and ending at never.”

  
He saw his boyfriend crying on his wheel chair, too. He mouthed ‘cheesy’ to Jihoon that made the latter chuckle. “I’m a firm believer that if you love someone and let them go, they will always find a way to go back to you.” Jihoon trailed off.

He looked up and kept on fanning himself hoping it’d dry the tears faster. “When I let you go, can you come back? Soonyoung...come back to me.” His voice cracked at the last four words.

  
“Being in love with you makes every morning worth making up. So, how...” He choked out on his sob.

“How am I supposed to face each morning when you’re gone?” Soonyoung is a crying mess. His face is contorted in pain but he never took his eyes off of Jihoon.

“If I could reach and hold a star for every second you’ve made me happy, the entire Milky Way would be in my hands.”

Jihoon took a deep breath again.

“Kwon Soonyoung, I love you. I haven’t said it enough in the past months so I’ll repeat it to you over and over again until you get tired of it.”

  
He saw Soonyoung mouthing “Never.” so Jihoon continued.

  
“I love you, your humor, your genuine heart and your ability to turn any moment into wonderful and beautiful memories. I love you. I love you, Soonyoung. And I need you...” Jihoon paused to wipe his tears that’s blurring his vision. “I need you like a heart needs a beat.”

He went near Soonyoung to wrap his arms around the latter so tightly like their lives depended on it. Soonyoung is sobbing hard on Jihoon’s neck, his clothes getting wet but he doesn’t really care.

“Don’t leave me, please...” Jihoon said, his voice barely audible.

“Hoonie, my song.” Soonyoung managed to say in between sobs.

  
Jihoon pulled away from hugging Soonyoung and grabbed his guitar.

He made sure he’s looking at the other’s eyes while singing the song he made for him. his voice is still not fully okay but he really doesn’t mind. he’d do anything for soonyoung.

  
 _“When this rain falls on my head_  
I’ll get all wet even my heart  
Stay with me I still can’t be  
In the rain alone without you  
  
I’m still young, I’m still a bit scared  
Though I know it’ll stop soon  
I’m looking for you~”

  
Jihoon’s illness makes him think that life is a bitch. He thought the sun is setting in his life already. But when he met Soonyoung, the sun suddenly rises again, filling his life with light.

 

 _“Will it stop now? These raindrops, these tears?_  
I don’t want to get wet with rain  
And tremble with cold  
Some day, the cold rain  
Will become warm tears  
And fall down, It’s alright  
It’s just a passing downpour.”

  
Jihoon wished for this rain to stop. For rain to pass. For them to go back to the way they used to before.

He hoped and prayed every night this is all just a dream.

 

 _”It’s just a passing downpour_  
It’s how I feel  
After I met you, I haven’t lost  
The happy memories to the rain.”

  
Being with Soonyoung taught him that even the most painful experience could be something memorable when you are with someone you love.

 

“When the rain stops, let’s meet again~” He stopped and choked as he bit back a sob.

  
“W-We will smile again and be together~” Jihoon’s tears are falling non-stop, his voice cracking and trembling from too much crying.

He walked towards Soonyoung again and leaned down to plant a kiss on the other’s pale lips.

The kiss is full of pain, longing and fear. They’re clutching onto each other tightly, both afraid to let each other go.


	8. goodbye, sunrise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don’t be afraid of sunsets. they are there to remind us that a beautiful sunrise is waiting for us the next day~ :)

**12.) Fall in love.**

It’s been over a month since the four-month ‘deadline’ (It’s what Soonyoung calls it) ended.

Jihoon’s heart is more than relieved to see him still holding Soonyoung’s hand at that very moment.

However, Soonyoung is still in that hospital room, his body, still weak and is losing so much weight with every day that passes by.

It pained Jihoon to see him on nights he couldn’t breathe or on days he saw Soonyoung crying so hard because of too much pain.

He cried himself to sleep thinking about Soonyoung. His own doctor even scolded him because he’s not sleeping well lately.

The reason Jihoon couldn’t sleep is because he didn’t want to sleep and wake up with an awful phone call telling him that Soonyoung is gone.

 

Jihoon felt someone caressing his hair. His eyes fluttered open, and it revealed the most beautiful person with the most beautiful heart staring at him, his bunched up cheeks now gone because of too much weight loss but his smile is still the same.

  
He’s still a sunshine.

  
With a weak voice, he managed to scold Jihoon. “Why are you sleeping there? You’ll have stiff neck, Hoonie.”

The other just smiled. “I don’t really care about stiff necks.”

‘If that means I could be beside you.’

Soonyoung didn’t reply. He’s still staring at Jihoon.

It was as if he’s memorizing his boyfriend’s features and imprinting it in his mind.

“Why are you awake? You should go back to sleep.” Jihoon stood up and was about to tuck Soonyoung with a blanket when he felt the latter’s thin fingers on his wrist.

 

“Hoonie, take me to the rooftop. I want to see the sunrise.”

 

Jihoon’s heart pounded so hard inside his chest. He was about to protest but as always, he’s bewitched by Soonyoung and he agreed.

  
He helped him to get on his wheel chair. The hospital hallway was quiet. They passed by the nurse station and the nurse-on-duty smiled at them.

When they reached the rooftop, Jihoon peeled off his jacket to drape it on Soonyoung’s shoulders. It’s a little cold and the morning breeze blew through the rooftop.

Jihoon helped Soonyoung stand up again as they both sat on a bench.

Soonyoung pointed to the edge where he pulled Jihoon and saved him the first time they met again.

“That’s where we first met, Hoonie,” he said, voice weak but the tone is full of happiness.

Jihoon stared at his boyfriend. He bit his lip when he noticed how cancer took so much of the other boy’s facial features but somehow, it managed to still flash that beautiful smile.

  
“Hoonie, do you perhaps know why I like you?” Soonyoung asked when the other didn’t answer.

Jihoon hummed in response as he took Soonyoung’s hand and intertwined it with his. He rubbed the small tattoo on it. The tattoo that’s supposed to be a period but turned into a comma.

“It’s because...you are you. No other reason.” Soonyoung happily confessed.

Jihoon felt a lump on his throat again, his eyes betraying him as it gathered tears again.

“You might find it a shitty reason but that’s my reason, Hoonie.” Soonyoung coughed after saying it.

He tried hiding his hand from Jihoon when he saw blood on it.

But the other already saw it. He panicked when he saw the red stain on Soonyoung’s palm. “Y-You should stop talking, Soonyoung. Let’s go back to your room.”

  
Soonyoung shook his head and just smiled at him. “Hoonie, please...let me finish.” He took a deep breath and spoke again. “I need to say this.”

  
Jihoon shut his eyes tightly, tears rolling down his cheeks as he felt his heart broke into million pieces. He agreed to Soonyoung’s wish.

The other gripped Jihoon’s hand tightly. “Isn’t it wonderful, Hoonie? I must have wished for you so hard that life has no choice but to make my wish of seeing you again come true.”

He reached out for Jihoon’s face to wipe the latter’s tears.

  
“Soonyoung.” Jihoon weakly called out.

He cupped Jihoon’s cheeks with all the strength left in him. “Do you know what I love the most in this life?”

They stared at each other. Jihoon kept on wiping his tears that’s blurring his vision. Soonyoung, on the other hand, is memorizing every feature of Jihoon’s face. From the tiny mole on his one eye, up to his soft plump lips.

“Hoonie, I love my eyes when you look into them.”

Soonyoung wiped a stray tear from Jihoon’s eyes again. His fingers trailed down to Jihoon’s lips.

  
“I love my name when you say them.”

He took Jihoon’s hand and put it on his chest.

  
“I love my heart when you touch it.”

Soonyoung’s grip on his hand tightened again as he continued.

  
“I love my life because you are in it.”

Jihoon’s whole body shook violently when he heard the last sentence came out from Soonyoung’s pale lips.

The other breathed heavily as he tried to hold back his own tears but failed miserably. Jihoon pulled him into a hug.

They wrapped each other into a tight embrace, as they sob onto each other’s neck.

“Hoonie...you are life’s greatest gift to me,” he said with a trembling voice.

“Y-You are my miracle, Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung managed to let out.

Jihoon’s hold on the other tightened when he felt that Soonyoung’s breaths were getting heavier.

Soonyoung pulled apart and leaned on Jihoon’s chest.

The sun is slowly peeking and is waking up from it’s slumber.

“It’s very beautiful, Hoonie.” Soonyoung said as his eyes marvelled on the rising sun.

Jihoon hummed. He caressed Soonyoung’s hair.

“You are the most beautiful to me.”

Soonyoung managed to let out a soft giggle.

He’s slowly closing his eyes as he took Jihoon’s hand again and intertwined it with his.

“Hoonie, I’m tired. I should sleep now.”

  
Jihoon’s breath hitched, his tears rolling down his cheeks, non-stop. “Can you sing a lullaby for me?”

The other nodded and with a shaky voice, he cleared his throat and started singing a song to lull Soonyoung to sleep.

  
“I-I wanna make you smile, whenever you’re sad~” He breathed heavily trying to let out the words from his lips.

  
“Carry you around when your arthritis is bad. All I wanna do...” He trailed off, his other hand still caressing Soonyoung’s hair with chin on the other’s head.

  
Soonyoung’s face was on his chest. “All I wanna do...is grow old with you.”

Jihoon bit his lip hard. He doesn’t care if it bleeds. He was sobbing uncontrollably, trying to finish the song.

“It could be so nice growing old with...”

  
He felt Soonyoung’s grip on his hand loosen. The other’s breathing couldn’t be felt on his chest anymore.

Jihoon sobbed harder. He’s crying his heart out as he pulled Soonyoung into one last hug.

  
For the first time, Kwon Soonyoung didn’t hug Lee Jihoon back.

 

 

[One year later]

“Congratulations, Jihoon. Test results are out and it’s all good. You finished all your chemo treatments and radiation therapies. You can now go back to studying. You’ll still see me but for checkups and monitoring every three months only.”

Mrs.Lee hugged his son so tight crying out as she said praises and worships to the good Lord.

All her prayers are heard.

Jihoo hugged his mom back. “Thank you, Dr.Choi.” He told the man in doctor’s gown.

“You don’t have to thank me. It’s Him.” He pointed upwards then looked back at Jihoon. “And your will to live that saved you.”

Jihoon and his mother marched their way out of the hospital.

“Mom, please drop me off at that place. I have to tell him the good news.”

  
Mrs.Lee nodded and stopped the car when they reached the park.

  
“Tell Soonyoung I said hi.”

He nodded and he started walking towards his boyfriend’s resting place.

When he reached the place, he saw a familiar figure standing beside it.

  
“Noona.”

The lady looked at the direction of the voice and smiled when he saw Jihoon standing a few steps away from her. She walked towards him and hugged the guy.

“You miss little bro?” Soonyoung’s noona asked.

“Always.”

Jihoon smiled as he crouched down to remove the dust off the cold marble.

It’s been a year but Jihoon’s heart still yearns for that one person only.

“I actually came here to tell some good news.” He told the older. The woman looked at him waiting for him to continue. “I can go back to schooling again, Soonie~”

Soonyoung’s noona smiled at the good news.

“I should probably leave to give you some privacy,” she said as she started walking away but stopped midway to approach Jihoon again. She handed him a paper bag.

“I almost forgot. I was supposed to go to your house to give you this. We finally got the courage to look at Soonyoung’s room and we found these among them. I figured I should give this to you.” She told Jihoon as she bid goodbye again.

  
Jihoon sat beside Soonyoung’s resting place. He opened the paper bag and saw a piece of paper and a CD. He snorted when he saw the second item.

“It’s very Kwon Soonyoung to give me a CD.” He said as he patted the marble.

When he looked at the pieces of paper, it’s their list. The things that they did crossed out and beside it, Soonyoung wrote some comments.

  
  


****

****

 

 

 

  
“Ya! Why must you say sorry?” He wiped his tears with the back of his hand. “I’m the happiest when I was with you.”

He felt the cold breeze hugging his body again. He hugged the paper containing their list.

  
“Soonyoung, I miss you,” he said repeatedly as he cried on his palms. “I told you the last time I went here that I won’t cry again, right? But I can’t...” He trailed off. “I-I can’t.”

He touched the name carved on the marble. The most beautiful name he’s ever seen.

  
The only name he’ll ever carve into his heart.

  
‘ _Kwon Soonyoung’_

  
“You told me I’m your miracle but it’s the other way around.”

 

When he arrived home, he went straight to his room to play the CD Soonyoung gave him. It’s a voice recording.

“Hoonie~”

Jihoon couldn’t help but tear up again hearing the voice he misses everyday.

“This was supposed to be a video but I changed my mind because I don’t want you to cry seeing my face.” Soonyoung said.

  
It just made him cry harder.

“Idiot, hearing your voice makes me cry, too. You should’ve at least let me see your face.”

  
“Today, I sang you a song in front of many people and I never felt so alive when you hugged me after my performance.” He heard Soonyoung chuckle. “This might reach you a long time after I...” He stopped and breathed heavily.

“After Iwas gone or it might never reach you. But let me just say three things. Thank you, I’m sorry...I love you.” Soonyoung said.

  
“I haven’t confessed to you but...yeah. I love you, Hoonie.”

  
Jihoon bit his lower lip as his eyes started sweating again. “I-I love you, too.”

  
“I know that my feelings about you are real because I spend more time thinking of you than myself.”

 

“It hurts to breathe not because my lungs is an idiot and he sometimes forget he’s my lungs. It hurts to breathe because every breath I take proves I can’t live without you.”

Jihoon shut his eyes tightly. He clutched his chest ao tight.

  
“I sound cheesy, right?”

Jihoon nodded.

  
“Today, I finished my song for you. I hope you like it.”

Jihoon heard some rustling on the background.

  
“Okay, I suck at this. I’ll try my very best, Hoonie.”

He heard Soonyoung started strumming his guitar.

  
_“I secretly laughed, i secretly cried_  
hiding how my I really am  
While having a hard day  
Today too, the word I can’t say out loud  
I can only keep it to myself~”

 

Jihoon clutched his chest when he heard the next line.

 

“ _I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired.”_

 

  
A part of Jihoon’s heart regrets that he didn’t pay any attention to Soonyoung. He focused on the other’s smiles. Little did he know, it hides a million pain.

  
Pain that is even more painful than what he’s experiencing.

  
_“When you’re tired, you can share it with me, I’m like that too._ ”

 

Jihoon sobbed harder. “That’s what I should’ve told you, if only I’d known earlier.”

 

_“I always failed to hide what I tried to, you know it too~  
We can make each other laugh”_

  
All their memories together suddenly flashed back like an old tape into Jihoon’s mind.

“I-I’m sorry.” Jihoon painfully choked out in between sobs. “I promised I won’t cry again.”

  
_“Don’t feel sorry_  
Don’t worry  
Don’t be afraid  
Stop crying now~”

  
Jihoon clutched his chest tightly. These are the words they both needed to hear. Soonyoung really managed to write it into one song.

 

“ _To me, you are very precious~”_

 

“You are precious to me, too.” Jihoon replied.

 

_“For you who worked hard today, I will tell you...”_

 

There’s a pause in the background. He heard muffled sobs. Soonyoung cried while recording that, too.

 

_“That I’m here  
that you’ve done well~”_

 

 

Jihoon felt like breaking down when he heard the last lines.

 

_“That I love you and I will hug you tight...”_

  
The song finished but both of them is crying hard.

  
When Jihoon thought that it’s already his life’s sunset, it gave him his sunrise which is Kwon Soonyoung.

  
Soonyoung who’s sunset may have come but he taught Jihoon that everytime a sunset comes, there’s a beautiful sunrise you can look forward to the next day.

  
“Sorry, Hoonie. I’m a crying mess right now. This is supposed to comfort you. Too bad I messed this up.” Jihoon heard Soonyoung lightly chuckle in the recording even though he can still hear the sobs.

  
“I really hope you find happiness. Go back to singing, meet friends...fall in love.”

  
“You are the biggest idiot, Kwon Soonyoung. How do you expect me to fall in love with another when you’re like this being the best man in my entire existence.” Jihoon said as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

  
The voice recording ended but Jihoon repeated it countless times that day.

He caught sight of their bucket list and saw that there’s something else written on the very bottom of the paper.

  
He grabbed a pen and wrote beside it, too.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading OSAS 😭😭😭😭 i really hope you like it...even if it hurts. :( 
> 
> don’t forget to leave kudos and comments. it’s highly-appreciated. thank you sooo much 💛 
> 
> scream at me: 
> 
> twt: @soonderehoon  
> cc: @hoonderesoon


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